165: lunch with the non-custodial parent

i left my ex before baby bliss was 2 years old (8+ years ago) to return to my hometown (over 2,000 miles from the ex). i left because finding the middle ground for living a peaceful life seemed to be impossible for the two of us.

we divorced several years later, amicably.

fast forward to the ex's re-marriage (a few years ago) and problems began to creep in.

they were subtle: baby bliss returned from a visit with tales of parental squabbles (normal). baby bliss gets into it with the step-momma about step-momma's heavy hand when doing baby's hair (which i specifically told step-momma not to do) that turns into a hair-pulling session (not good) bestowed upon baby bliss by the step-mommy. (time for momma bliss to put her foot down. or up somebody's @ss if necessary).

then comes the step-momma's pregnancy. baby bliss returned home from a visit upset because the other parents were showing pictures of their recently acquired abode to all who would look. the descriptions of the glorious rooms were festooned with titles of ownership like "little man's bedroom", "big man's office", "the parents' love nest", "little man's nursery".

baby bliss said she asked, "where's my room?"

to which the biological non-custodial was said to have sputtered, "ummm, yeah. haha. we'll just work that out when you come for a visit. haha."

okie dokie.

nine (9) years of parenting with mr. bliss as my partner and now hubby... either and/or both of us: did almost a year of potty patrol; slept with one ear on standby in case baby fell out of new bed; kissed a google of skinned knees; have been sleep-deprived as necessary to battle nightmares and under-bed baddies; accompanied baby bliss for her first day of school (every time, from Pre-K to 2nd grade, after which we began home schooling); volunteered countless hours chaperoning class trips/playing teacher's aide/offering general school-wide help; took the child to doc visits (wincing at all appts requiring needles of any kind); played tooth fairy too many times to count; read countless bedtime stories; consoled said child with hugs and kisses (and the occasional Tofutti cutie or bowl of sorbet) when some eyes-squinted-in-prayer wished-for event or situation didn't pan out; washed a ton of kiddie-sized laundry; hosted at least one birthday party every year (some years there were 2)...

y'all know what i mean.

the real mess started after i filed to change the jurisdiction for child support last fall. a month later i get a phone call from the non-custodial. it started out with general chit chat. then he requested permission to speak on a more serious matter.

the matter turned out to be a "concern" for baby bliss's education. the other parents "noticed" that baby bliss never wanted to read when she was with them. ummm... okay...

i'm pretty sure i was among the exception(s) when i was a young girl cuz i loved to read any and everything i could get my hands on. at any time, day or night.

that's not baby bliss though. although she reads quite proficiently for her age, she's not a huge fan of the written word. i'm past making a big deal of it tho. she knows the reading requirements for this house and tho we sometimes struggle with it, she's doing well. her test scores say so too.

the "concern" for baby bliss's education is peeled away layer by layer to reveal something deeper: the non-custodial says he needs "more say" in baby bliss's life.

LOL yeah, okay. from hundreds of miles away, you need more say in the life of a child who's being raised by other people. people who's child-rearing has been satisfactory for all the years previous...

i was already suspicious of the conversation and wondered where it was really leading. because what i also heard were suspicious pauses in the conversation, as if the non-custodial was reading from a script or being coached.

when i requested clarification of the words "more say", i was met with frantic tongue-tied hemming and hawing. until the meaning was clarified by the unknown coach(es).

the conversation got a little tense and heated. not (too) ugly. but it did end with me advising the non-custodial to seek legal counsel. he couldn't agree to disagree on a situation that was previously to his liking but had somehow ceased to run smoothly at some point from his (or their) point of view.

in the early part of this year, a sheriff's deputy knocked on my door and handed me a summons. i was being sued for custody and child support. the only allegation: baby bliss is receiving "an inadequate education". without ever having requested or seen one report card/progress report (well, maybe only one) since Pre-K, the non-custodial makes this allegation.

okay. they had now pulled out the big gun (a lawyer) so i'd have to get one too. for protection of course.

if any of you have ever been thru this kind of madness, then y'all already know what a mess it is. let me just say that prior to this nonsense, i have always been cooperative with visitation between baby bliss and the biological non-custodial. my own mother took baby bliss to see her dad for a week-long holiday a few months after i left him. (which she never did again because he showed his behind so much that an older relative of his--who was there at the same time--reprimanded the ex for his behavior and the way he treated my mom.)

after that, he was always welcome to visit her at my home. i even allowed him to take her with him to his home (several states away, after he moved back to the east coast) and i didn't even have his address. i allowed him to take her with him to spend time with him and his girlfriends. because i've never been the don't-have-my-baby-around-your-woman type. (one of his girlfriends and i even became good friends thru phone calls and e-mails.)

mr. bliss and i have always been gracious hosts and the ex has been warmly welcomed at our house (and homes of my family members) with his girlfriends (and even their children)--for many years.

yet my daughter is now a member of a statistical group that i never imagined she would belong to: children who are caught in custody battles.

fast forward to now: we're on our way to have lunch with him. no more unsupervised visits until this mess is over. i'll detail more about it all later cuz i gotta run.