550.

Crush over.

*chuckle*

549.

This week has been busy already.

More driving than usual.

I'm hoping to stay out of the car for the remainder of the week.

Which brings me to him.

Yes, it's the "him" you think it is. And you knew we'd go there again, eventually.

I thought I saw him twice on the road: once in the next town/county over, where I do my shopping. The next day I thought I saw him riding down my street, close enough to see me as I was exiting my car.

I'm not 100% sure however so we won't dwell on those possible sightings.

What I am 100% sure of is that I saw him yesterday (Wednesday) evening. He saw me too. He even held the door for me. We exchanged pleasantries as I entered the building.

For approximately the next hour, we were within a few feet of each other.

*swoon*

It was business and there were about 20 other people in the room so I tried not to look at him too often.

*chuckle*

He looked good.

Did I mention that he dresses well?

He does.

Just the right amount of starch in his shirts, trousers that fit just so...

Nicely pulled together.

I didn't linger long after the meeting ended. There was no reason to except junk food (which I'm turning up my nose at these days).

And, well, him. But as I said, it was business and we weren't the only two there.

We had already seen each other and said hello. I didn't expect to hang about exchanging chit chat with him. It wasn't the time or place.

Any way, I texted him an hour later, just to say it was good to see him. It turned into an unexpected (brief) exchange.

What a nice way to end a long day.

Time for pillows!


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548.

In a previous post, I mentioned that my life has been complicated in the past few months.

One of the complications was learning that my body has been in a pre-diabetes state for at least the last three months and probably the last 7-10 years.

Horror of horrors people because my father is diabetic. He gives himself insulin shots twice a day.

I am so serious when I say I am making strides toward moving my body to a substantially lower A1c. (For those unaware of the definition of "A1c", go here: A1c Test and Diabetes.)

Genetics is just one risk factor for diabetes and the only one that cannot be altered. The other risk factors are not set in stone and are relatively within my control.

To bypass the documentary version of this tale, a horrible headache (and vomiting) after hitting my head here in the house led me to seek medical attention.

In a panic, I recalled information I was given regarding a clinic in my community that provides medical care for affordable fees. I called the clinic and was given advice about my headache and an appointment for new-patient intake.

I am more than thankful for being led to the clinic. The phenomenal medical professionals and other staff members were instrumental in saving my health and possibly my life.

Unchecked diabetes is the seventh (7th) leading cause of death in the U.S. In addition to killing folk, it can have horrendous complications. Blindness, nerve damage, and lower-limb amputation are just a few.

Ugly.

After I got the diagnosis, I was set up with a nutritionist. I had one-on-one as well as group sessions with her. What I learned in those sessions blew my mind. Words like "insulin receptors", "insulin resistance", and "metabolic syndrome" are part of my new vocabulary. But I don't use these words often, as I don't want to be bogged down by the technical details.

More important to me is action.

The nutritionist covered a lot of information in those sessions. What she stressed in our one-on-one sessions was movement and diet modification.

My goal is 30 minutes of exercise per day and 30 grams of carbohydrates per meal. I am also to have three meals per day, with 4-5 hours between meals and no snacks.

I wasn't aware of how daunting this task would be until I began to plan meals.

I do NOT like to cook, one of the reasons I have been a big snacker. Not that all my snacking consisted of unhealthy foods. I love, love, love almonds, air-popped popcorn, oatmeal, and fruit.

But I have learned that most of the foods I love and was eating regularly are high carb foods. I still eat many of them, but in moderate amounts.

Thank God for Fatsecret.com, the website I found after much searching for help. Fatsecret helps one track weight, food intake, and exercise habits. There are also forums, places to share recipes, people to friend.

The best component for me is the food tracker. It has a huge database of information that can be used to determine carb amounts for a huge range of foods, from raw fruits and vegetables to meals at restaurants across the country.

I use the food tracker to plan my daily meals. It also allows me to save any meal or portion of it as a favorite so I can just pull the meal up any time I don't want to think too hard about what to eat.

I was surprised at how good I became at planning and cooking meals that were quick, tasty, and within my 30 gram limit.

The best part was that I initially saw improvements in my sleeping pattern as well as a small weight loss. Both were instrumental in keeping me centered for a while.

Eventually the inevitable happened: I got tired of the constant planning required to feed me three times per day.

First, sticking with the 4-5 hours required between meals requires me to eat my first meal almost as soon as I wake up. It's kinda hard because I'm usually not hungry when I wake and I have a tendency to get busy within an hour of waking. If I don't make myself eat in that first hour, before I know it, it's noon.

That first faux pas can throw off the rest of my day.

Second, the above habits require me to set an alarm for my lunch and dinner. It has to be set for at least 30 minutes in advance of mealtime to allow me to begin meal prep in time enough to stay with my "4-5 hours between meals" schedule.

I have to do this twice a day, every single day.

Third, one of the reasons I don't like to cook is that I'm forgetful. Anything that cooks without me having to stand over it will be forgotten if I don't set an alarm to check it at the appropriate time(s). (This resulted in a few burned items over several meals in the first few weeks. A few tear-y breakdowns too.)

Fourth, I feel like I'm tethered to my laptop in order to ensure access to Fatsecret. It feels like I can't eat correctly without being able to use the website to enter and retrieve data.

This is a problem because some days I run so many errands that I'm in the street almost all day. If I'm able to go out soon after breakfast, it may not be a big deal, depending. In an "emergency situation", I can have a delicious and filling meal (Chick-Fil-A's Grilled Market Salad, without fries and I take my own water) and stay within my allowed 30 grams of carbs.

But if I'm out at lunch time more than once a week, I'm literally eating into my food budget. Not good.

Fifth, I began eating more protein (after being told that I should always eat carbs and protein together), in the form of more meat and dairy, two food groups I had been eating very little of for the past several years.

Adding more meat and dairy to my diet caused a yucky disruption in my system. I won't detail the results here but let's just say the way my body reacted wasn't cute.

It got to be frustrating and a bit depressing.

I tried to compensate by substituting some meals with healthy smoothies (very much modified from their previous incarnations which contained massive amounts of carb-laden bananas, apples, and strawberries).

Which would have been fine except I began to miss some things I'd gotten used to eating.

I felt overwhelmed and decided I needed time to regroup, do more research, create effective strategies for eating away from home.

For added inspiration, I'm planning to write affirmations, print them on beautiful paper, and hang them using simple Dollar Tree frames.

I'm still working out the kinks but I'm optimistic. I have to be because this is my life.

Death is not the issue here. We're all heading for the grave (or crematorium) with every breath.

My goal is to move forward whole and healthy in spirit, mind, and body.

Amen.


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547.2

Side note:

This is actually a continuation of post number 547, which threatened to get too long so I decided to break it up.

Maybe this should be 547.2 instead of 548...

Okay, I'm changing the title.

***


My last post ended on a bit of a low note.

Here's something a bit more upbeat: silly ole me has a crush.

For the most part, it feels weird in a good way.

He definitely knows I'm interested because of something I said and did. (Nothing negative and I hope he was able to intuit my intent.)

And honestly, while it would be cool to have his attention in a romantic way, I know that what I currently need is a friend. A real friend. A local friend.

Not speaking from conceit or self-centeredness, but with the nature of (many) men being what it is, I can find a man any day of the week who would want to be "romantically" involved with me.

But romance is not occupying much space in my brain right now.

Yes, I do have a few online dating profiles and I've been getting lots of e-mails from guys on the sites.     But God knows where my head is and the ones who have stuck are the guys interested in genuine friendships.

Maybe it helps that they all live out of town. One even lives in another country.

Our conversations (via e-mails, texting, and phone calls) range from discussing our daily lives to sharing our dreams and goals. We each share at our own comfort level.

With gratitude, I thank God for my love of meeting people. Everyone has a story to tell and I listen because I truly enjoy hearing people's histories. Even if half the stories aren't true, any tale told well enough will hold my attention.

Listening to and enjoying people's stories is my way of connecting to other people, to the world, to myself, to God.

The similarities in our lives, the differences... It's all good and it all fascinates me.

It's what facilitates friendships and opens doors to good relationships of all kinds.

Friendship transcends romance, but (thankfully) doesn't preclude it. So if anyone of my friendships naturally evolved into something more, it wouldn't surprise me.

But I'm not one for long-distance relationships. Which leads back to my crush...

I know the reasons why I'm crushing on him, which I won't reveal here. Nor will I say too much about him because he's a man in a public position and I would never shine a spotlight on him without his express permission.

What I will say is that he's kind, he's compassionate, he's handsome, he's intelligent, he's diligent, he's heroic.

I imagine him to be a good parent, chivalrous, harmonious, level-headed... Much more but I'm falling asleep.  LOL

He lives somewhere near and I come into contact with him periodically because of his job. As much as I can imagine he and I sharing delicious meals on hot summer nights while engaging in exquisitely engrossing verbal exchanges punctuated with lots of laughter, after our conversation the other day, he won't hear from me unless it's business-related or I'm responding to him reaching out to me.

Until one of those scenarios comes to pass, we shall remain as we are and he shall always have my best wishes.

As well as a tiny piece of my heart.

Amen.



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547.

I have had many experiences in my life. A long list of adjectives can be used in describing all I've done, seen, and heard. Can I say how thankful I am that the word "boring" is not one that would make the list?

So much has been going on in my life in the past few months. I just wasn't up to blogging about it all.  But that will change with the next few posts.

Moving forward...

In today's news, I spent a nice holiday with my grandma, two aunts, and a cousin. We started at a park near my home then caravanned to a park a bit further south. We talked, ate, laughed, crocheted, met interesting people, took photos, enjoyed the boaters and jet skiers on the lake...

Baby Bliss didn't go. She stayed home to catch up on sleep. Poor girl missed an interesting day out.

What I'm thankful for: even though I thought about Mr. Bliss and how much more fun I would have had if he had been there with us, I wasn't sad about it. I will always miss my beloved and on holidays even more so because he loved celebrations. But I am so thankful that I was able to make it through the day without feeling like an emotional breakdown was imminent.

To change the subject, about an hour ago, I began having problems with my phone. Again.

*sigh*

I'm on my third handset for this particular brand and model of phone. If I lose this one, I'll once again need to enter all my phone numbers, etc.

My daughter has been telling me to get a smart phone for years. I probably should but I'll be kicking and screaming all the way if I do. It would increase my monthly phone bill by $20, just to be able to save my contacts in the cloud or somesuch.

It just doesn't make a lot of sense to me right now.

Well, we'll see...


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546.

On another note, a man I dated for a very short period in the past has re-surfaced.

It started with an e-mail in December last year, that I somehow didn't see at the time.

What I did see were the e-mails he began sending this week. He began with, "Hey. How are you?" and progressed to what I suspected he was leading up to.

Long story short, we talked for a few hours on the phone. During the conversation, he managed to amaze and amuse me by attempting to coerce me into picking up where we left off.

More, he talked as if it's already a done deal. (Maybe it is in his mind...)

He shared a lot with me during our lengthy exchange. I listened because everyone needs an ear or a shoulder at some point in life. Only God knows how many times people have been there for me so I'm happy to pay it forward when I can.

While it was good to hear that he and his children are doing well and I was flattered that he thought of  me so fondly (and according to him, so often), I harbor no "what if" feelings about that situation.

My life has moved far beyond the brief time he and I shared. During said time, he and I were friendly but not friends. We parted on a so-so note for reasons that don't need detailing. Parting was inevitable and I don't recall missing him after we split.

As there is no slot for his name on my dance card, the most I can do for him is wish him the best as he moves forward.


Amen.


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545.

This morning, I had a horrible dream. Brought on no doubt by a tragic event close to home as well as the events surrounding the murders of the nine Bible study attendees in Charleston.

In the dream, I was a nanny for a family with a little girl. (Let's call her Mary.) We were returning to their home from vacation. We all exited the vehicle in the driveway; Mary's parents (let's call them Bob and Sally) proceeded to unload the car. From the corner of my eye, I spotted Sally's ex-husband inside the house.

My assumption was that Bob and Sally saw him too but most of my attention was distracted by Mary so I didn't ask. Mary was running towards a neighbor's yard, enticed by a colorful ball left lying in the grass.

I chased her, yelling, "No Mary! (I wish I could remember what her name actually was in the dream...) Come back, come back!"

Mary kept running, finally falling down in the grass next to the ball. I took her hand and led her back to her house, explaining that it was the neighbor's ball, not hers, and we had to leave it.

As I walked toward the house I began feeling apprehensive, knowing it was dangerous to go in with Sally's ex inside. I don't remember saying it aloud.

But my apprehension kept me in the driveway, watching tensely. I saw Sally's ex approach Bob and Sally. The three of them appeared to be talking amicably. Suddenly, the ex pulled a out gun. I saw two younger guys appear with ropes.

I turned and ran up the street, looking for a hiding place as well as people who might have cell phones. As I ran, I realized I'd left my purse in the vehicle. It had my i.d. in it, which had my address on it; I felt sick, knowing if the bad guys didn't catch me at that time, they could find me later.

Bob and Sally's neighborhood was fairly well-to-do. Beautifully-landscaped public areas fronted well-manicured front lawns that led to stately brick homes.

Frantically, I bypassed most of those lovely homes, seeking people who were already outside.

Believing that the men from the house would pursue me as soon as they finished with the family, I anxiously sought shelter. I passed a few homes where guys were out working. As I tore past them, I yelled out, "Please call 911! There are three men with guns down the street!"

When I reached the community pool, I thought its outbuilding looked like a safe hiding place. It was concrete and had a steel door with a lock. But I had a difficult time getting in. By the time the attendant came to unlock the gate and I explained the situation to him, the armed men were coming and they had seen me.

I panicked and ran into the outer area, on the far side of the pool, still outside. I frantically sought a back exit as the armed men came into the pool area too.

Sally was with them, as a hostage. Her wrists were bound in front of her and she was being pulled along by her restraint.

It was then that I noticed that the two young men accompanying the ex-husband were his sons from a marriage he'd had previous to marrying Sally.

I saw that the young men were armed with shot guns. I began to run, praying that I wouldn't be shot in the back. Way back in a corner, there was part of the fence covered in growing vines. I ran toward it, not knowing why. When I reached it, I could see that it was really a gaping hole in the fence, draped with vines.

I scuttled through, thinking I was safe, not realizing there was another fence enclosing that one. Thinking I would surely be shot this time, I began to climb the outer fence, praying for another miracle.

I made it over and down to the ground, wondering why I hadn't been killed. As I turned to look back, I could see the men leading Sally back toward the street.

Eventually I doubled back toward Bob and Sally's house. The police had arrived and everything was blocked off. The gunmen had taken Sally back into the house and were in a stand off with the police.

For some reason, I was sent into the house to spy. I snuck in and overheard the ex-husband telling his sons to load their guns with the bullets that would penetrate bulletproof vests. (The ex-husband called the bullets a name I can't remember but when he said it in my dream, I knew exactly what he meant.)

I ran back out to the police crying, repeating what the man had said. One officer reassured me that everything would be okay and not to worry. I was incredulous, thinking the three men inside would  massacre the officers and then come for me.

It was too much for me even in a dream. My anxiety escalated to "terror" and I woke up with my heart racing.

I wanted to turn my light on in my bedroom but the dream had frightened me to the point of irrationality. I felt that turning my light on could attract the attention of some bad armed person who just happened to be walking near, just as I was turning my light on.

I was afraid to go back to sleep for fear of slipping back into the same dream (something that had happened to me once before; an awful occurrence!) so I got up and sat on the floor and prayed for a while.

Eventually I exited my room, being careful not to turn on any lights. I sat in my dark living room with my laptop, listening to soothing music, waiting for daylight. It arrived slowly, with overcast skies and not a ray of sunshine.

I took my morning walk an hour earlier than usual. It helped some but I know I'll need a lot more prayer, meditation, and perhaps a few sessions with the grief counselor who helped me deal with Mr. Bliss's death these past three years.

Despite this momentary return to the realm of F.E.A.R., I maintain a sense of gratitude for my life.

My child is healthy, I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a car to drive, I'm debt-free... I have much to be thankful for.

Amen.


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