542.

Mortality...

Two recent family deaths.

Reminders that I need to enjoy every day as much as possible.

Reminders that some things on my to-do list have rolled over to the next day's list too many times. A few of them are things I want to do before I return to the dust.

With those thoughts in mind, next year my daughter and I will tour Europe. Definitely France and Italy. The UK may be on the list as well because a branch of our family tree hails from Scotland.

Likely a stop in Switzerland because it borders France and Italy, so why not.

Weather will dictate time of year. I prefer warm weather and sunshine. So does she.

This will be one of a few vacations where beach time is not a priority.  :)

We'll focus on food, fun, meeting new friends along the way.

There will be lots of walking, train rides, sleeping in hostels and pensions.

Research has been ongoing for a few years. (Thanks Joseph Rosendo and Rick Steves!)

Something wonderful to look forward to.

Amen.

541.

Dreams from last week...


Earlier in the week, I dreamed I was home, in the apartment building I grew up in.

I was spraying air freshener in the hallway.

Then I got the notion to freshen the air in the laundry room.

As I descended the stairs, I passed several people who were heading up.

Closer to the laundry room, I passed a couple. We exchanged pleasantries.

I entered the laundry room, can of spray ready.

To my surprise, the laundry room was occupied by an unexpected guest.

It was a white monkey, a gibbon.

I stood transfixed as I watched it walk across the room and hang something wet across a wooden clothes drying rack.

When I began to spray the air, it gave me a look and began screeching, as if I'd interrupted something important.

Then it scurried out of the room through a sort of hidden doorway.

I headed back upstairs and came across the couple I'd seen earlier.

When I asked them if they knew about the monkey, they laughed. The woman told me there was a Volkswagen parked in one of the laundry rooms in a building down the street.

***

A morning later in the week:

Upon waking, I remembered fragments of at least three separate dreams.

The first:

I was outside with a woman. We were standing near the old fashioned train depot in my town. Ahead of us, we saw a woman wearing a short skirt, a short rabbit fur jacket, and knee high boots.

When the woman ahead of us turned to face us, I saw it was my good friend W. She was smiling, as she usually is in waking life. She looked happy and beautiful. I was very happy to see her.


The second:

Baby Bliss and I were on some kind of weird safari. There was no car, just she and I, and a mostly invisible guide.

We were running from a lion. Terrified, I was leading the way. Baby Bliss, wielding a sword, brought up the rear.

Glancing over my shoulder in fear, I saw the lion gaining on us. I thought we were going to be attacked. Then I noticed the animals running with us.

With several precise movements, Baby Bliss chopped up a few of the running animals.

We continued to run. The lion stopped, presumably to snack on the newly dead. I didn't look back.

The scene shifted.

Baby Bliss and I were in a large room in an aerie that was screened in on all sides.

She exited the room. I saw the lion coming. Somehow he got into the room I was in.


The third:

I was in a room at someone's house with Mr. Bliss' mama. I think we were out of town. She was crying. I was struggling not to. It seemed we had just heard that Mr. Bliss died.

She wanted to head back home (my hometown, where she still lives) so I agreed to take her.

My driving skill was off. I had trouble staying on my side of the two-lane road. Finally I drove us down the outside basement stairs of a church, into their party room.

Outside in the garden there was an event in progress. A dinner of some sort, for a local charity or something similar.

I walked over to a young lady in a motorized chair, asked her if she knew so-and-so. The young lady said no, she didn't.

There was lots of food. I knew we had to leave but seeing all the food made me hungry.

There was more but I don't remember the rest.

540.

A couple of weeks ago I reached out to a guy I previously dated, to feel him out for what I thought might be a mutually agreeable relationship.

Not dating because we've done that already and it didn't work for us.

He and I had usually enjoyed good conversations in the past and I missed talking to him, wondered how he was doing.

We've hung out in the past few weeks.

One day he brought up marriage during a conversation, as in asking me to marry him.

I thought he was joking, because he knew as well as I did the pitfalls we'd encountered while dating. Although we were strongly attracted to each other in many ways, our ideas about how to sustain a healthy romantic relationship weren't in alignment.

In subsequent conversations, he brought up marriage again and again. A few times I laughed and changed the subject or joked with him about it. Then I realized he might not be joking and I became uncomfortable.

I also realized that something my mama said once about exes was true in this case: you can't be friends with them.

I'm not sure if she meant me specifically or just folk in general.

Sometimes we can be friends with exes but maybe I should have known better with him.

Any way, last night he and I made plans to hang out tonight.

Something felt off when I woke up this morning and today I decided I needed to stop this train before it wrecked.

It was done by text. (Which might sound rude but I did call him and he didn't answer. Instead he initiated a conversation in text so I assumed he was busy and unable to talk.)

At first I thought about having a face-to-face with him about his matrimonial intentions, to gently remind him of why we would not be eloping in this lifetime, and discuss the possibilities of continuing a genuine friendship based on our shared interests.

However, he's not the type for those kinds of interactions. He thinks it's "drama", one of the opinions we differ on. So I let it play out in text because I knew it had to be done today.

I believe what allowed me to understand how moving back into a "situation" with the gentleman could lead to me committing a grievous faux pas was brought about by something discussed at a spiritual gathering I went to earlier this week.

What God reminded me of during the opening meditation (and has time-released into my brain over the past few days by way of all manner of reminders -- dreams, online posts, reading daily inspirations, my horoscopes, etc.) is that it doesn't serve me well to go back to the past for someone or some thing that I've already experienced as not suitable for me.

Or the flip side: Do so at my own peril.

If I expect to move forward into that which will work well for me, why delay my journey by going back for something I "dropped" that I said I didn't want any way?

Was I subconsciously attempting to rekindle a flame with this man that was (truthfully) nothing but ashes? Was part of me hoping he'd changed in ways that would allow us to go where I wanted us to go, back when he could make me giggle like a schoolgirl?

Or was I just hoping to retreat into something comfortable in its familiarity albeit potentially unhealthy for both parties?

Part of me feels that we should return to the past sometimes, if only to be reminded of why we couldn't wait to make our escape into now, the future.

Perhaps it should only be a metaphorical return, a written re-hashing of events; a cautionary tale shared with our junior sisters and brothers who contemplate going back to the ex after nights of drunken revelry at neighborhood pubs.

Which brings me to questions:

1. As we journey along our paths, should we take time to explore the things that catch our eye on the sidelines? If yes, how often? Or should we only partake of what is directly in our paths?

2. Do some things have expiration dates?

For example, if I take two months (instead of two weeks) to enjoy a beach vacation, will I miss out on Something Else I desired? Or will that Something Else return to my orbit at some point in time, like Halley's Comet? (Mr. Bliss did...)

3. Does God give bonus points for do-good/feel-good stuff like volunteering for charities, paying it forward, etc.?

4. If we do get bonus points, do they move us toward our "goals" (also known as "prayers", "wishes", "hopes", "dreams", "aspirations"...) any faster or nah?

5. Does it really matter?


Not that I lose sleep over these questions but they do boggle my mind on occasion...

One topic we discussed at our gathering the other night was making life choices based on what is good and right.

We are all co-creators of the collective consciousness. I know my choices create ripples that eventually find their way back to me. I've seen it in my life too many times to count.

I guess the real question is "Can you handle it?"

Meaning what ever I do (or don't), am I willing to deal with the consequences, no matter what they are?

If the answer is no, I need to re-think it.

I must, if I want my life to move forward with sincerity.

Amen.

539.

Reminders brought to the forefront in the past several days:

- Maturity is... subjective. As is humor.

- False familiarity can never be a substitute for the real thing.

- Finding a suitable long-term companion can be comparable to finding a good contractor for a property re-model.

***

Mr. Bliss was a one-of-a-kind guy. I understand that it's not possible to duplicate the relationship we had. Nor do I want to. I am no longer the person I was in that relationship.

For all the differences Mr. Bliss and I had, we meshed very well. Except when we didn't. But we managed to work things out because as corny as it sounds, our connection was magical.

I'm not sure if the magic gave us the power to make it work or if we created the power to work it out because of the magic.

Before Mr. Bliss, I dated a lot. Some guys got one date. Some got several. There were a few long-term relationships, a few engagements, a few marriages.

Of course each man had something about him that attracted me. Some had several traits I found endearing. A few had that somethin' somethin' that got me to the altar.

Mr. Bliss was the Total Package. For me.

The Magic was evident from the moment we met.

Seriously.

I had been at work for about an hour. It was turning out to be a bad night and I'd decided to leave.  Heading to change back into my street clothes, I walked past Mr. Bliss. He called out to me. Before I turned to see his face, I was more than annoyed at the perceived delay. But I had a reputation for being the "nicest girl" in the place, so I stopped.

I turned to look at him and I was smitten.

His smile was beautiful and genuine; so open. He was also handsome. Nicely dressed too.

We had two casual dates soon after but he was kinda slow at making his intentions known and I began dating someone else. The next year that someone else and I got pregnant, married, and moved almost 3,000 miles away.

Two years later, I left that husband and moved back to my hometown with my daughter.

In a seemingly random event, almost three years to the day we'd first met, Mr. Bliss and I crossed paths at a mall. From there, we slowly began the pas de deux that would become our shared life.

Our relationship was multi-faceted in ways I'd never experienced. It was fun and exciting, challenging and frustrating, loving and nurturing.

God had sent me the man who would help me realize who I was born to be.

Looking back from today, I know that my life with him was an adventure, an eye-opening education.

Every minute we shared was worth everything we gave to make it what it was: an amazing life of love, in every way we could express it to each other.

With eternal gratitude, I wish my darling a peaceful rest, until we meet again and resume our story.

***

In the mean time, life continues to move forward. Sometimes slowly.

I'm continuing to move with the flow.

Sometimes the flow moves me to make the acquaintance of a man who piques my interest(s), maybe plucks a heart string or two.

True to my nature, it might be for a few hours, a few days, a few months. It all depends.

In spite of all things feeling personal when it comes to romance, dating, and possible courtship, I daily remind myself not to take things personally.

We are all dealing with our own issues, what ever they are. The way we deal with people is generally a reflection of who we are, not who (we think) they are.

Mr. Bliss let me be who I was and I blossomed. I know that I, too, must be willing to give this allowance if I am to share an authentic life with He Who Waits to Meet Me.


What I affirm:

-  There exists a man somewhere in the world who loves enough to accept me as I am but will always encourage me to be my best. I love enough to do the same for him.

- He and I will love each other enough to work out the details because we both understand what it takes to sustain a love that makes our hearts sing.

- When our lives are ready, he and I shall meet in the field "beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing", and all will be well.

Amen.

538.

Late Thursday evening, Baby Bliss and I were out for a food run when something amazing happened:  a star fell over the lake.

I felt excited.

Special.

Happy.

Like rainbows and humming birds, falling stars are on my list of Rarely Seen Favorites. (This was the second falling star I could remember seeing in my life.)

Thank you God for the unexpected gift.

Amen.

537.

Dreams...

I love my dreams. They're very vivid, very detailed. Even when they're frightening, the cinema-like scenery and events sometimes make me wish I could sleep all day.

Since July 28, I've had more than a few dreams with Mr. Bliss in them. They weren't necessarily about him but he was present.

My most recent dream in which he appeared was a few nights ago.

We were in a small kitchen (I think) with our son. Our son was sitting at a small square table in the middle of the room. I was sitting at the table as well.

Mr. Bliss (who it seems had been dead in the dream but was now alive) was standing near the table. He told my son that he (Mr. Bliss) heard my son had a baby and asked if he (Mr. Bliss) could see it.

My son said yes, he did have a baby but he and the mother had gotten into a disagreement, he hadn't talked to her in a while, and he didn't know where the baby was.

That's all I can recall at the moment...

****

My Monday morning dream was a bit scary.

I had met a guy online who somehow found me in real life. I was at a family member's house and the guy showed up at the door. He said he knew me so my family member let him in.

The guy pulled out a small photo album and proceeded to show me photos of his family. Then he wanted to know when we could have our first date.

I think I left him sitting on the sofa talking to a relative in the living room while I went into the kitchen to think about the stalker-ishness of the situation.

A female relative was in the kitchen. There were slices of cake on plates on the table. I sat down, grabbed a fork, and began tasting. She and I ate cake as we discussed the implications me heading home with an uninvited guest possibly following.

The dream morphed into a different dream, one which is juuuust beyond my mental grasp right now...

Speaking of online dating, it's back to that for me. Not that I'm against dating people I meet in real time. It's just that online dating gives me a framework to operate from, before the first date.

It also helps to decide if there is to be a first date.

Assuming that the person in consideration is being truthful in his profile, I prefer having that advance knowledge of how well we might possibly get along.

With someone I meet in, say, the supermarket parking lot, there's a lot more left to chance and "chemistry".

If used properly, I think online dating can be a time-saving tool for everyone concerned.

After all, isn't it what we want, to cut to the chase in matters of the heart? To move from "like" to "lust" to "love" in record time, to run swiftly into the arms of the "happily ever after" every little girl dreams of from the time she hears her first fairy tale?

Some of us have already been blessed enough to get Mr or Miss Right in our lifetime.

Some are still looking.

As I've stated before, it's a numbers game. And we can't play the game if we don't get in the game. No free throws allowed from the bench!

We must be open to dating the person from the parking lot, the guy vacuuming his mats at the car wash, the one we meet on KissMeStupid.com, and...

Because the more frogs we kiss, the closer we get to finding our very own Sweet Toad.

Doesn't that sound like the ultimate in Fun and Frolic?

May the odds be ever in our favor.