493.

This post has no title because I don't know what to call it.

It's a difficult one to write but I'll do it because I need to.

I'm sitting here wrapped in a blanket, in hospice, at my husband's bedside.

He is dying slowly but faster than most of us.

And I'm watching him because I love him and if possible, I want to be here with him when he takes his last breath.

Our children and my sister are here in this room with us. I am definitely awake. I don't know that the others are really sleeping. Probably the children because they are tired. It's been a long ordeal for them, though the calendar would say otherwise.

My husband has been here for less than a week. Before this, he spent 10 days in hospital.

He was in the poorest health when he arrived here and his condition continues to decline.

It's all surreal right now.

I know I'm here with my husband, my children, my sister. But I can also step outside of my mind somehow and think about things non-related, as if this is not my reality. I can also look at my husband, as ill as he now is, and think that he just needs a long rest to get him back to being up and about again.

Except the no-nonsense me keeps kicking in. She keeps telling me what's real and what's not. She keeps interjecting at moments I don't want to hear from her, with words like "cremation" and "memorial service".

Yes, I know these are the things we civilized people do for our dead. I have also accepted that I will have to do these things for my husband very soon. However, the closer we get, the more I wish someone else could take the reigns on this buggy.

I am exhausted. Running on fumes. Existing on the wings of supportive family and friends as well as their prayers.

My husband is exhausted too. Lymphoma that has metastasized is eating his body from top to bottom. He has already told us he's tired and ready to go home. We all know which home he means.

It's okay with me because it has to be. If he's ready to meet God face to face, I love him enough to support his journey in any way I can.

We're all expressing varying degrees of sadness but there is laughter as well, which I know is what my husband wants. He likes to laugh.

The nurse said it appears we're hearing the last strains of his song now, as we see his physical body  undergoing signs of finality.

He is being kept comfortable with morphine for pain and small doses of other medications if needed.

He hasn't eaten or drunk anything for at least a day. It seems he may have forgotten how to swallow.

His eyes are open half way; he hasn't closed them for over 12 hours. He appears to be able to blink one eye. It looks like he's even crying from it. With all that's happening I'm concerned that he has dry eye and I want to soothe his eyes with a saline rinse, something he rarely let me do even on days when he returned from work knowing his eyes were filthy.

The waiting truly is the hardest part...

Not because we're waiting for the inevitable.

Maybe it's because we know the outcome is inevitable.

I'm also waiting for the full impact of the situation to hit me. I'm sure it will, when I have time to let it. Right now, I'm otherwise engaged.

I will miss my husband probably more than I can imagine. But even in the depths of the sadness I feel and will feel, I must be grateful for sharing this life experience with Mr. Bliss.

For all involved, there are powerful lessons to be learned from this segment of the journey. I hope we are able to embrace them, and perhaps use them to help others some day.

Namaste.

.

492. Time keeps on slipping...

It's such a cliche but so true that the older I get, the faster time seems to pass. I'm also finding that I can't remember details about events as clearly as I once could. Which always gives me twinges of regret that I'm not writing everything down now so I can recall it later.

But I'm so busy now doing now stuff, if I take the time to write it all down, I'll be behind schedule. And if I'm forgetting it's because I have so much to do that I can't possibly keep it all in my brain so I must write it down lest I forget to do something that really needs doing.

What a life.

Not that I'm complaining. This is not a rant, just an observation.

We have mostly been busy having fun, though the responsible one (me) has had to tend to the adult duties of making appointments for auto/medical/school necessities and more.

On top of my regular duties I've been working on Special Projects that have taken most of my time for the past three months or so. When I'm done, I'll take a few deep breaths, give thanks, and move on to the next projects as they're already waiting on the sidelines.

Life is just one big party around here and I'm lucky enough to be the guest of honor.

Or maybe I'm the hostess?

Any way, I'm happy to say that despite the occasional lapse into Unhealthy Eating, I've been doing pretty good with my journey to a Healthier Me.

I've been learning lots about good nutrition and I've come across two new things I like. One is a Greek yogurt called Fage. (Pronounced fa-yeh.)

Although I don't do well with dairy, I love yogurt. I enjoy Stonyfield Farm's French Vanilla and some brands of "Greek" yogurts as well.

Thankfully, the vanilla yogurt helped me cut back a little on my straight-from-the-packet sugar consumption which increased when we began eating at Qdoba.

I usually get burritos at Qdoba and I take my sour cream on the side because although I love sour cream, in the past few years I haven't been able to eat it without adding sugar to it. (Which weirded me out the first time I felt the need to do it because I had a vague memory of sour cream tasting sweeter.)

One time we brought our burritos home and we were out of sour cream. (We only bought it once very few months any way because I was the only one who ate it.)

Then I spied my french vanilla yogurt in the fridge and realized it tasted the same as sour cream with sugar added. (Duh!)

So there's no need to buy sour cream any more.

Now back to the Fage.

Fage is thick and solid-looking, nothing at all like what most people see when they open a yogurt container. And while it's supposed to be good for us, it tastes like sour cream.

Yeah.

My fix: I stir until it's creamy then add granola and slivered almonds.

Yum!

But it's not really a big deal. My issues with dairy will prevent me from eating Fage too often. I bought the first container because after reading really good things about it here:  Snack Girl, I was eager to try it, and I was surprised to find it at Trader Joe's.

I bought the second container because I was surprised to see it at Super Target (on sale too) and I wanted to see if I could taste a difference between the 2% fat and the 0% fat. (I couldn't.)

Shockingly, my daughter -- the sugary-yogurt fanatic -- tried Fage and liked it. She added frozen blueberries to her portion.

Unless my daughter specifically requests it, the next time I buy a container of Fage will be some time in 2012.

The other new thing I came across was information on micronutrients. (Read here: Maximize Your Micronutrients)

I was flipping channels on the telly one night this past week and there was Dr. Joel Fuhrman talking about a way of eating that would help you shed pounds without being hungry or dieting.

Thinking it was an info-mercial, kept flipping. But when I saw the same program the next day, I realized it was a public television fund-raising special and I grew more interested. I watched, did some research online and realized it made sense to me because I remembered how much better I looked and felt when I made  green food smoothies part of my daily schedule.

How interesting to see that while I already knew the power and importance of green foods in one's diet, research on the topic of micronutrients had started long ago. I guess I wasn't totally clueless but I wasn't aware that it was being studied and that there was a collective name for it all.

Ask and ye shall receive! I guess once I re-focused on my determination to do better regarding my eating habits, the information that had been there all along made its way into my orbit.

More information for my long list of healthy living resources!

I am thankful.

Amen.

491. Blissful rejuvenation.

Ah well, it's that time of year.

I've been getting sick.  :(

Yes, yes. I'm in need of better habits: eating, sleeping, exercising, drinking water. All the deficits contribute to my lowered immune system thus making me a target for the invisible critters that wreak havoc on health.

First the Allergy Army came for a visit. It stayed a few weeks, finally leaving after we bought an air purifier.

Then came the Migraine Meddlers. They only lasted a few hours but the accompanying symptoms gave me such a fright that we headed to the E.R. for a cocktail that I didn't want but badly needed.

Since then, I've been doing my best to get more sleep and more water, as well as eat mindfully and more often.

I know I get headaches when I'm dehydrated. And I've always tried to quell them with drinking large quantities of water. But with no luck...

However, I may have found a solution. I was in Big Lots the other day and I found their MetroElectro water. We've been fans of Smart Water for years and we buy it occasionally. The ingredients in the M.E. water are antioxidants, electrolytes and zinc, all of which I'm sure to be lacking in at any given time and probably more likely during a headache.

That same day I had gone out without eating and had not had a drop of water either. So I grabbed several bottle of the M.E. water, 50 cents each.

When I got to my car, I swigged half the bottle in a few minutes and was amazed to find my headache subsiding.

Coooooool.

And although I'm still not getting enough water, I've been drinking one 20oz bottle of M.E. water a day. Which is more water per day than I've ever drunk in life.

My last few ounces of M.E. water will be gone in a few minutes. I'll be re-loading at Big Lots before I head to my crochet group later today.

Which reminds me: I created my diet affirmations here on my blog and did not follow up with the rest. My bad.

The oversight will be corrected before I leave for my crochet group today.

I am thankful for the ability to do so.

And so it is!

490. Bliss in bloom.

Me, with my hyperbolic bracelet.

My daughter's arm, wearing the hyperbolic bracelet.

489: Hyperbolic Balls of Bliss.

Have I blogged about this before?

If I have, forgive me. It's become a mini-obsession.  :D

Somehow, in between dreaming, blogging, doing laundry, sleeping, vacuuming, dusting, writing, Facebook stalking my teenager, and other duties as assigned, I've fallen in love with hyperbolic crochet.

Yes, I know it sounds like some weird dance step or a drug that accelerates the metabolism but it's neither.

Actually it's a simple method for crocheting cute balls of fluff with lots and lots of uses.

They can be crocheted using any yarn in any color, to match your mood or decor.

My obsession started with a search for the perfect flower pattern.

Looking at flat, one-dimensional flowers didn't give me the sense of creative urgency I needed to start working the pattern.

Then I discovered hyperbolic crochet.

Are you now wondering what hyperbolic crochet is?

Yes?

Here is how Lion Brand Yarn describes it:

Hyperbolic Crochet is the name given to applying a mathematical principle to crochet patterns. A hyperbolic plane expands exponentially from any point on its surface, always curving away from itself. You can easily crochet a hyperbolic surface by increasing at a constant rate throughout the piece.

Hyperbolic growth in nature gives rise to the ruffled shapes of coral, kelp, and sea anemone. Crocheting coral forms is a great opportunity to try different yarns and stitches, and is just one example of the types of project that hyperbolic motifs may inspire you to do.

The Institute for Figuring created the concept of the Coral Reef with hyperbolic crochet and have been developing this concept since 2005. More information about the project may be seen on their website www.theiff.org.

And here are links to the IFF fun stuff:

• Hyperbolic Crochet Coral Reef
• IFF links to galleries of hyperbolic crochet in action 
• Hyperbolic Space Introduction

There will be no hyperbolic crocheted reefs in my future but I know I'll be crocheting lots more Hyperbolic Balls of Bliss.

It's because I have a thing with numbers that's been going on since childhood, when my mother told me the story of our "family numbers", a story I'll have to tell some other time or I shall digress too far.

I don't recall when I first learned of hyperbolic crochet. (Can you tell I like saying those words?) But I've since used several  patterns to achieve the h.c. before realizing I don't need a pattern, just an idea and an understanding of how often to add stitches.

Any way, without  further ado (and before I nod off at the keyboard) here are photos of the Hyperbolic Balls of Bliss I've crocheted so far.

The beige Ball of Bliss is rather small. I crocheted it using crochet cotton, also known as crochet thread.

This weekend I pinned a small hair elastic to it and wore it as a ring. I got lots of compliments on it.

The other two are here awaiting a good home.

They are too big to be worn as rings but they:

• are interesting as over-sized bracelets
• look lovely sitting on a mantel or a desk
• will inspire lots of comments when tied to a car antenna...

The list is bound only by imagination.

488. I don't like the word "diet".

Nor do I like the word "exercise".

I can substitute "movement" for exercise.

What can I use in place of "diet"?

Hmmm...  Off to the thesaurus!

On another note, I'm sleepy.

There was nothing nutritional in my "diet" today. Absolutely my fault for not making sure I ate properly before I left home this morning.

When I had time to grab a bite, I was in an area with no options for a healthy snack. And by then, I was feeling drowsy and lightheaded. I felt like anything was better than nothing, if I wanted to make it home safely.

So I grabbed a bag of chips and a can of tea.

Now I'm feeling the after effects.

Yuck.

487: Thinking about...

My diet.

Not "a diet".

My diet.

When I get home, I'm gonna write my diet affirmations on a sheets of white paper and tape them to the walls in several rooms:

Today I will only consume food and drinks which I believe will create and sustain my optimum health and healing.

Thank you God for making these items readily available to me.

And so it is.

Amen.

.