A couple of weeks ago I reached out to a guy I previously dated, to feel him out for what I thought might be a mutually agreeable relationship.
Not dating because we've done that already and it didn't work for us.
He and I had usually enjoyed good conversations in the past and I missed talking to him, wondered how he was doing.
We've hung out in the past few weeks.
One day he brought up marriage during a conversation, as in asking me to marry him.
I thought he was joking, because he knew as well as I did the pitfalls we'd encountered while dating. Although we were strongly attracted to each other in many ways, our ideas about how to sustain a healthy romantic relationship weren't in alignment.
In subsequent conversations, he brought up marriage again and again. A few times I laughed and changed the subject or joked with him about it. Then I realized he might not be joking and I became uncomfortable.
I also realized that something my mama said once about exes was true in this case: you can't be friends with them.
I'm not sure if she meant me specifically or just folk in general.
Sometimes we can be friends with exes but maybe I should have known better with him.
Any way, last night he and I made plans to hang out tonight.
Something felt off when I woke up this morning and today I decided I needed to stop this train before it wrecked.
It was done by text. (Which might sound rude but I did call him and he didn't answer. Instead he initiated a conversation in text so I assumed he was busy and unable to talk.)
At first I thought about having a face-to-face with him about his matrimonial intentions, to gently remind him of why we would not be eloping in this lifetime, and discuss the possibilities of continuing a genuine friendship based on our shared interests.
However, he's not the type for those kinds of interactions. He thinks it's "drama", one of the opinions we differ on. So I let it play out in text because I knew it had to be done today.
I believe what allowed me to understand how moving back into a "situation" with the gentleman could lead to me committing a grievous faux pas was brought about by something discussed at a spiritual gathering I went to earlier this week.
What God reminded me of during the opening meditation (and has time-released into my brain over the past few days by way of all manner of reminders -- dreams, online posts, reading daily inspirations, my horoscopes, etc.) is that it doesn't serve me well to go back to the past for someone or some thing that I've already experienced as not suitable for me.
Or the flip side: Do so at my own peril.
If I expect to move forward into that which will work well for me, why delay my journey by going back for something I "dropped" that I said I didn't want any way?
Was I subconsciously attempting to rekindle a flame with this man that was (truthfully) nothing but ashes? Was part of me hoping he'd changed in ways that would allow us to go where I wanted us to go, back when he could make me giggle like a schoolgirl?
Or was I just hoping to retreat into something comfortable in its familiarity albeit potentially unhealthy for both parties?
Part of me feels that we should return to the past sometimes, if only to be reminded of why we couldn't wait to make our escape into now, the future.
Perhaps it should only be a metaphorical return, a written re-hashing of events; a cautionary tale shared with our junior sisters and brothers who contemplate going back to the ex after nights of drunken revelry at neighborhood pubs.
Which brings me to questions:
1. As we journey along our paths, should we take time to explore the things that catch our eye on the sidelines? How often? Or should we only partake of what is directly in our paths?
2. Do some things have expiration dates?
For example, if I take two months (instead of two weeks) to enjoy a beach vacation, will I miss out on Something Else I desired? Or will that Something Else return to my orbit at some point in time, like Halley's Comet? (Mr. Bliss did...)
3. Does God give bonus points for do-good/feel-good stuff like volunteering for charities, paying it forward, etc.?
4. If we do get bonus points, do they move us toward our "goals" (also known as "prayers", "wishes", "hopes", "dreams", "aspirations"...) any faster or nah?
5. Does it really matter?
Not that I lose sleep over these questions but they do boggle my mind on occasion...
One topic we discussed at our gathering the other night was making life choices based on what is good and right.
We are all co-creators of the collective consciousness. I know my choices create ripples that eventually find their way back to me. I've seen it in my life too many times to count.
I guess the real question is "Can you handle it?"
Meaning what ever I do (or don't), am I willing to deal with the consequences, no matter what they are?
If the answer is no, I need to re-think it.
I must, if I want my life to move forward with sincerity.