Happy Thursday y'all. I hope everyone is safe and happy.
This will be a long melancholy post. 😔 So much has happened in a few days' time...
So I met the Man-in-Waiting earlier this week. We had a 48-hour visit.
Unfortunately, the experience was a huge let down. 💔
In the years that I've been dating as a widow, I have come across a lot of men who self-medicate in various ways and for a number of reasons. It always saddens me.
We are all souls evolving at our own pace, sometimes stuck in holding patterns because of past pain and trauma that we haven't yet learned to process in healthy ways.
People who self-medicate are attempting to run from that pain by any means necessary. Regardless of how they present, they can not be relied upon because they are ultimately controlled by the
"medications".
People who self-medicate while on prescription meds... Well, that's what I consider a whole nother something. It's is a sign of ugly things to come. Accidental overdose, driving mishaps, money mishaps, relationship drama...
I know what it's like to live with the residue of dependency/addiction. I had two husbands who overcame their dependence on self-medicating (both before I met them). I also have many family members who have done the same.
The behaviors that go with the practice, that allowed the practice to continue, need to be overcome as well. Those behaviors do have a tendency to linger...
Both those husbands struggled with those behaviors daily, mostly successfully but sometimes not.
A person living with active dependence/addiction needs help.
One drink here and there, a joint every other weekend or so... Those are occasional excursions. But for addicts, there is no "occasional". They are either in or out, all or nothing.
Weekend warriors who stay sober all week then binge from Friday to Sunday. The every day indulger who can't sleep without the aid of a bottle of something every night.
Some of these people manage to function "normally" in public. We work with them, worship alongside them, send our kids to be taught by them, encounter them as public servants.
If the "secret" becomes known, the addict has a choice: get help or continue their behaviors and practices until they "hit bottom". (See here for what "hitting bottom" means in this context.)
Getting help to end the dependence on self-medicating, comes with great effort. Daily, conscious effort. It's a lifelong commitment to a lifestyle sans mood-altering substances and it can be difficult for some.
If there exists a genetic predisposition for becoming dependent, it exists in my family on both sides and I've seen it from beginning to (sometimes ugly) end up close. I thank God that I did not inherit that trait, that my life remains clean and sober.
So back to the Man-in-Waiting...
In the process of extricating myself from my time with him, the woman who introduced us got involved. I considered her to be one of my best friends and it was at her recommendation that I even entertained the idea of the Man-in-Waiting.
Y'all know where this is going right? 👀
If you said she and I are no longer friends, you're right. When I vented to her about the situation, she turned on me.
There's a saying about friends who do things like that. I don't know what it is off hand but I do know the depths of friendships are revealed in situations like this. Ours had evidently grown shallow enough for wading.
If one of her daughters had told her the same things about a man that I told her about The-Man-in-Waiting, she would have told her child to get away from him as fast as she could and forget about him.
Why was I, a person she proclaimed to be her best friend, not afforded the same latitude?
Aside: So in the past several months, two long-term friends (over 15 years each) are gone from my life.
One (Former Friend #1, or FF1) was mentioned briefly in post 822. I finally stopped responding to her calls and texts, which were usually filled with nasty comments about people she didn't like and the same years-long complaints of disrespectful interactions with her significant other. And she always had snarky things to say about my life and the lives of her other "close" friends.
All these months later, I have not once missed interacting with FF1. There was a brief void but I filled it with other things: reading, crocheting, dating, and eventually meeting new sista-friends. (Thanks Meetup.com!)
To return to the current topic:
I admit that this most recent departure wasn't shocking. Full disclosure: the Man-in-Waiting and my most recent former friend (FF2) are related. So part of me knew going in that if I had to say no to the Man-in-Waiting for any reason, my friendship with FF2 might end. I think I was already prepared for it.
For the past 10 years or so, FF2 has been dealing with both serious medical issues as well as the loss of many close family members. It has all been devastating for her and so she navigates her life with the assistance of medical professionals and prescription meds (some of them psychotropic).
For the most part, she is a kind-hearted, salt-of-the-earth person and I loved her fiercely. I would have walked through a literal fire for her and despite her issues, I would have trusted her with my life. In the past several years she has been inconsistent with communication and some other things but it was never a problem. She was always there when I needed her and I was always available when she needed me. 💕
Although I was the object of her anger in this situation, I think what really angered her is the situation itself.
I see two main scenarios here:
- She was shocked by what I revealed to her about someone she thought she knew, things that she couldn't or didn't want to face about that person. And now that she's been made aware, she has a decision to make: either do something or do nothing.
Tough choice because each comes with its own perils.
Mixing alcohol with prescription meds is an absolute no-no. Doing nothing could be deadly for the family member.
Saying something to the family member could cause alienation. My former friend has already lost a lot of family members and this choice might feel painful.
It's a catch-22. I can only imagine the emotions she's feeling, knowing that the outcome for either choice could be sad for her.
Which I understand. It can be painful to learn that someone you held in high esteem is not the person you thought they were, especially when it involves touchy subjects.
I have had those experiences and they can and do hurt. Learning to accept people for who they really are can be difficult but it goes hand-in-hand with letting go of what no longer serves me, processes I am still learning and will have to implement for the rest of my life, if I am to live my best life.
- Is it also possible that she did know (or suspect) and she was hoping he could hold himself together long enough to make a presentation good enough to hook me and I could help him with the rest? Perhaps she is angry with me, because she thought my insertion into the situation could save this man and it didn't play out as she'd hoped.
I don't know...
What I do know is that FF2 knows I am a healer, a nurturer, loving, and loyal. What she didn't understand is that I would never knowingly involve myself in the chaos I saw in that 48-hour visit with her family member.
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Ah well...
Life being what it is, the whole truth about FF2 et al. could be something I have no clue about and/or a combination of a number of things.
Part of me is sad. 💔
He and I seemed to have a lot of promise. We shared a lot of important beliefs and interests. And we spoke the same love language (article here 5LL *), which earned him a gold star.
For a brief moment, I was so razzle-dazzled that I was willing to overlook the self-medication. But when I saw the prescription meds added to that mix I was shaken back to reality. 😱
It was like a decades-long relationship had started and fast-forwarded to the end in 48 hours. It would make a great Lifetime movie: boy meets girl, girl learns boy has addictions, boy loses girl. Everyone cries. 😞
Another one added to the "everything that glitters ain't gold" pile... 😩
Hopeless romantic that I am, I am thankful that I remain a realist as well. An optimistic realist. 😄
I know a true friend would not be upset with me for looking out for my own best interests but "friendship" is subjective and as the old saying goes, "Blood is thicker than mud".
My prayer for the Man-in-Waiting is that he face the pain from his past hurts head on and get the assistance that will help him move into health and healing.
My prayer for FF2 is that what she is doing to further her own healing will touch and improve all areas of her life.
My prayer for myself and the rest of the world: that we all move into health and healing for any areas of our lives that need work.
In that vein, I am currently reading "How to Raise Your Vibration" online. It is one of many tools I believe can help us as we travel the path.
On another note, when the heck is the next Mercury retrograde? In the past week, I have heard from two people from my past. One a former sista-friend; the other, this guy: post 794, post 759, post 627 (Fun Young Guy), and post 540.
Why have I blogged about him so often, you ask? Because he remains the most persistent. I'm still not sure why. We met in 2013. It's five years later and I still get calls and texts from him. Most recently, two days ago. 😐
A call and a text. And per his usual, no voicemail. The call and the text were both ignored. Honestly, I just cannot believe he still thinks about me.
Okay, that's not true. At my best I am the Goddess of Love and Light, 💃🏾💞🌟 irresistible to mortal men. 😉 So yes, I shall remain in his thoughts and dreams for eternity.
However, at some point he should have moved on. If not mentally, at least in the real world. We met five years ago and yes, there was a bit of back and forth for a year. Maybe two. Mea culpa.
But the last time we actually communicated, I made it clear that I have zero interest in him. I told him verbally and by text to stop calling and texting me.
Not because I was being mean or nasty. It was because some of our past history involves behavior on his part that was manipulative at times.
*sigh*
Maybe I'm not the only woman from his past that he pesters. I just wish he would stop it. It's gotten tedious.
On that note, it's time to do laundry.
Ciao folks!
* I didn't link to the website because I'm not affiliated with the author or his works. I'm just sharing info that I found useful. I hope it's useful to someone else as well. 😀
This will be a long melancholy post. 😔 So much has happened in a few days' time...
So I met the Man-in-Waiting earlier this week. We had a 48-hour visit.
Unfortunately, the experience was a huge let down. 💔
In the years that I've been dating as a widow, I have come across a lot of men who self-medicate in various ways and for a number of reasons. It always saddens me.
We are all souls evolving at our own pace, sometimes stuck in holding patterns because of past pain and trauma that we haven't yet learned to process in healthy ways.
People who self-medicate are attempting to run from that pain by any means necessary. Regardless of how they present, they can not be relied upon because they are ultimately controlled by the
"medications".
People who self-medicate while on prescription meds... Well, that's what I consider a whole nother something. It's is a sign of ugly things to come. Accidental overdose, driving mishaps, money mishaps, relationship drama...
I know what it's like to live with the residue of dependency/addiction. I had two husbands who overcame their dependence on self-medicating (both before I met them). I also have many family members who have done the same.
The behaviors that go with the practice, that allowed the practice to continue, need to be overcome as well. Those behaviors do have a tendency to linger...
Both those husbands struggled with those behaviors daily, mostly successfully but sometimes not.
A person living with active dependence/addiction needs help.
One drink here and there, a joint every other weekend or so... Those are occasional excursions. But for addicts, there is no "occasional". They are either in or out, all or nothing.
Weekend warriors who stay sober all week then binge from Friday to Sunday. The every day indulger who can't sleep without the aid of a bottle of something every night.
Some of these people manage to function "normally" in public. We work with them, worship alongside them, send our kids to be taught by them, encounter them as public servants.
If the "secret" becomes known, the addict has a choice: get help or continue their behaviors and practices until they "hit bottom". (See here for what "hitting bottom" means in this context.)
Getting help to end the dependence on self-medicating, comes with great effort. Daily, conscious effort. It's a lifelong commitment to a lifestyle sans mood-altering substances and it can be difficult for some.
If there exists a genetic predisposition for becoming dependent, it exists in my family on both sides and I've seen it from beginning to (sometimes ugly) end up close. I thank God that I did not inherit that trait, that my life remains clean and sober.
So back to the Man-in-Waiting...
In the process of extricating myself from my time with him, the woman who introduced us got involved. I considered her to be one of my best friends and it was at her recommendation that I even entertained the idea of the Man-in-Waiting.
Y'all know where this is going right? 👀
If you said she and I are no longer friends, you're right. When I vented to her about the situation, she turned on me.
There's a saying about friends who do things like that. I don't know what it is off hand but I do know the depths of friendships are revealed in situations like this. Ours had evidently grown shallow enough for wading.
If one of her daughters had told her the same things about a man that I told her about The-Man-in-Waiting, she would have told her child to get away from him as fast as she could and forget about him.
Why was I, a person she proclaimed to be her best friend, not afforded the same latitude?
Aside: So in the past several months, two long-term friends (over 15 years each) are gone from my life.
One (Former Friend #1, or FF1) was mentioned briefly in post 822. I finally stopped responding to her calls and texts, which were usually filled with nasty comments about people she didn't like and the same years-long complaints of disrespectful interactions with her significant other. And she always had snarky things to say about my life and the lives of her other "close" friends.
All these months later, I have not once missed interacting with FF1. There was a brief void but I filled it with other things: reading, crocheting, dating, and eventually meeting new sista-friends. (Thanks Meetup.com!)
To return to the current topic:
I admit that this most recent departure wasn't shocking. Full disclosure: the Man-in-Waiting and my most recent former friend (FF2) are related. So part of me knew going in that if I had to say no to the Man-in-Waiting for any reason, my friendship with FF2 might end. I think I was already prepared for it.
For the past 10 years or so, FF2 has been dealing with both serious medical issues as well as the loss of many close family members. It has all been devastating for her and so she navigates her life with the assistance of medical professionals and prescription meds (some of them psychotropic).
For the most part, she is a kind-hearted, salt-of-the-earth person and I loved her fiercely. I would have walked through a literal fire for her and despite her issues, I would have trusted her with my life. In the past several years she has been inconsistent with communication and some other things but it was never a problem. She was always there when I needed her and I was always available when she needed me. 💕
Although I was the object of her anger in this situation, I think what really angered her is the situation itself.
I see two main scenarios here:
- She was shocked by what I revealed to her about someone she thought she knew, things that she couldn't or didn't want to face about that person. And now that she's been made aware, she has a decision to make: either do something or do nothing.
Tough choice because each comes with its own perils.
Mixing alcohol with prescription meds is an absolute no-no. Doing nothing could be deadly for the family member.
Saying something to the family member could cause alienation. My former friend has already lost a lot of family members and this choice might feel painful.
It's a catch-22. I can only imagine the emotions she's feeling, knowing that the outcome for either choice could be sad for her.
Which I understand. It can be painful to learn that someone you held in high esteem is not the person you thought they were, especially when it involves touchy subjects.
I have had those experiences and they can and do hurt. Learning to accept people for who they really are can be difficult but it goes hand-in-hand with letting go of what no longer serves me, processes I am still learning and will have to implement for the rest of my life, if I am to live my best life.
- Is it also possible that she did know (or suspect) and she was hoping he could hold himself together long enough to make a presentation good enough to hook me and I could help him with the rest? Perhaps she is angry with me, because she thought my insertion into the situation could save this man and it didn't play out as she'd hoped.
I don't know...
What I do know is that FF2 knows I am a healer, a nurturer, loving, and loyal. What she didn't understand is that I would never knowingly involve myself in the chaos I saw in that 48-hour visit with her family member.
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Ah well...
Life being what it is, the whole truth about FF2 et al. could be something I have no clue about and/or a combination of a number of things.
Part of me is sad. 💔
He and I seemed to have a lot of promise. We shared a lot of important beliefs and interests. And we spoke the same love language (article here 5LL *), which earned him a gold star.
For a brief moment, I was so razzle-dazzled that I was willing to overlook the self-medication. But when I saw the prescription meds added to that mix I was shaken back to reality. 😱
It was like a decades-long relationship had started and fast-forwarded to the end in 48 hours. It would make a great Lifetime movie: boy meets girl, girl learns boy has addictions, boy loses girl. Everyone cries. 😞
Another one added to the "everything that glitters ain't gold" pile... 😩
Hopeless romantic that I am, I am thankful that I remain a realist as well. An optimistic realist. 😄
I know a true friend would not be upset with me for looking out for my own best interests but "friendship" is subjective and as the old saying goes, "Blood is thicker than mud".
My prayer for the Man-in-Waiting is that he face the pain from his past hurts head on and get the assistance that will help him move into health and healing.
My prayer for FF2 is that what she is doing to further her own healing will touch and improve all areas of her life.
My prayer for myself and the rest of the world: that we all move into health and healing for any areas of our lives that need work.
In that vein, I am currently reading "How to Raise Your Vibration" online. It is one of many tools I believe can help us as we travel the path.
🌸 🌸 🌸
On another note, when the heck is the next Mercury retrograde? In the past week, I have heard from two people from my past. One a former sista-friend; the other, this guy: post 794, post 759, post 627 (Fun Young Guy), and post 540.
Why have I blogged about him so often, you ask? Because he remains the most persistent. I'm still not sure why. We met in 2013. It's five years later and I still get calls and texts from him. Most recently, two days ago. 😐
A call and a text. And per his usual, no voicemail. The call and the text were both ignored. Honestly, I just cannot believe he still thinks about me.
Okay, that's not true. At my best I am the Goddess of Love and Light, 💃🏾💞🌟 irresistible to mortal men. 😉 So yes, I shall remain in his thoughts and dreams for eternity.
However, at some point he should have moved on. If not mentally, at least in the real world. We met five years ago and yes, there was a bit of back and forth for a year. Maybe two. Mea culpa.
But the last time we actually communicated, I made it clear that I have zero interest in him. I told him verbally and by text to stop calling and texting me.
Not because I was being mean or nasty. It was because some of our past history involves behavior on his part that was manipulative at times.
*sigh*
Maybe I'm not the only woman from his past that he pesters. I just wish he would stop it. It's gotten tedious.
On that note, it's time to do laundry.
Ciao folks!
* I didn't link to the website because I'm not affiliated with the author or his works. I'm just sharing info that I found useful. I hope it's useful to someone else as well. 😀
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