846.2

Good evening folks.

Almost bed time here. I'm getting slee-e-e-e-e-e-epy!

And now, not to waste any time lest I nod off, let's get to the reason for this post: why I think I had the dream I detailed in post 846.

Last week I received a text one afternoon from The-Man-in-Waiting asking, "Why did you do me like that? Why?"

Seriously? 😵

I ignored it.

He has a right to whatever he's feeling. And I have a right to let sleeping dogs lie. And snore. For eternity.

I could have answered him but I chose not to. Nothing I say will make him feel better because nothing I say will be what he wants to hear.

In the evening hours of the same day, The-Man-in-Waiting called me. Twice. Back-to-back. 😕

I couldn't have answered if I wanted to. His number is no longer stored in my phone so it goes straight to my voicemail via the call blocker module of the antivirus software I use.

The next afternoon he called again. He left no voicemails. I only knew he called because all calls register on my call log, regardless of personal approval rating.

So although he and I shared no verbal or written conversation, he had intruded upon my peace and insinuated himself into my subconscious. 😔

That's why, metaphorically speaking, I believe the place I was leaving in the dream could have been his place.

And the rest: all the walking; the mud; the anxiety about the walls possibly falling down on me and trapping me; the two rings of brick surrounding the basement room...

So much symbology in dreams, representations of things that escape our conscious thoughts in waking life. Things we shoo away and force into boxes that get tucked away in cobwebby corners in the backs of our minds...

Later it also came to me that I had also recently had a dream with The-Man-in-Waiting actually in it. I remembered that it happened on Wednesday, the day I was so tired that I had to lay down in bed for a nap. I had the dream right before I awoke.

In the dream, I'm not sure if we actually talked but the phone was involved. He wanted me to come back to him, to start over and pretend like everything was okay. Or perhaps he'd forgotten what happened. Possible also is that in the dream, nothing untoward had happened.

That part is unclear.

I do remember waking and thinking that would never happen and wondering why I had had the dream. It's rare for me to dream about the men I date.

The real-life text and the first two calls came a couple of days later; the third call, a day after the first two.

What he thinks I did, I don't know. We all filter our realities through the veil of our own life experience, expectations, etc., so there's that.

I can tell y'all this: The "why me" or "why does this always happen to me" mentality is a no-no in my world.

Shit happens because shit happens. 💩💩💩

Call it karma, kismet, fate, The Drawing of the Three, the Red String... whatever.

It's all Life.

As much as I like to believe I know why some particular thing happened, I also know I could be totally wrong because I cannot possibly be privy to every single piece of whatever puzzle I might be focused on.

As much as we want it to, it just doesn't work that way.

And who says it should?

Becoming an Optimistic Realist is freeing. It's also frustrating. But it allows me to ground myself with the knowledge that no matter how much insight God gives me, some shit just ain't my business.

Having said that, I keep The-Man-in-Waiting in the subconscious prayer chamber along with everyone else who is no longer part of my daily conscious thoughts but who is "standing in the need of prayer".

As well, I pray for me, because as the song says: It's not my sister, it's not my brother. It's me oh Lord standing in the need of prayer.*

Because truly, there but for the grace of God, go I. Where ever "there" may be...

Amen.

🌸 🌸 🌸

* There are several versions of this song. I happen to like the more upbeat versions.

I found one on YouTube. Take a listen.

Sweet dreams y'all.