118: it's allllllll relative bay-beeeeeeee

it's rare that i talk about my momma here. in fact, she's probably only gotten an honorable mention.

my momma and i are friends now. but there have been times in our lives when we have been on non-speaking terms. various reasons... probably the age-old momma and daughter drama.

over the years, as i've traipsed various spiritual paths, i've come to embrace the knowledge that i get a lot more peace on the flip side if i just let my momma talk and limit my responses to the requisite "oh yeah?", "whaaaaaat?", and "uh huh".

adding my two cents worth to the mix will only kick the conversation into high drama. then i's betta get a parachute cuz the conversation (and my momma's voice) will soar into the stratosphere.

you see, my mother has limited vision and can't see much beyond her fingertips. that includes other people's opinions. to be fair, she will occasionally listen to another person's point of view but only long enough to find a crevice to inject her side of the story.

another thing that annoys me about my momma is her lack of math skills.

we'll start out talking 'bout shoes and somehow the conversation segues into how most of the women in her office building wear pantyhose in summer, even tho it's hot as hell and don't they know that wearing pantyhose all day every day can lead to yeast infections, blah blah blah.

first of all, she's way off topic. shoes do not = hosiery. but maybe she sees it as shoes go on feet and hosiery are pulled up over the feet so they're in the same category? okay. i see the connection. and why is she so concerned about other women's va-jay-jay health? and how does she know they're wearing pantyhose and not thigh highs or crotchless pantyhose?

so after all that has gone thru my mind, i'll ask how many women work in her building. and she'll say it doesn't matter. then i'm like "ummm, how can you say 'most' if you don't know how many to begin with?

i mean, you do need to compare the group in question to a total number to work out percentages right?

for the past few years i have been able to zone out to the drone of her voice when the math mangler in her comes out. but i swear it's been like 60 incidents out of 100 conversations and the numbers get higher with each phone call. (we talk 5-10 times a day. no joke.)

maybe i'm just being anal about it and it gets on my nerves cuz she's my momma and a lot of what she does gets on my nerves?

and yeah, there's history behind it all, to be sure. i guess it's a big deal right now tho cuz we're doing the countdown to her extended holiday visit.

the most annoying part of that is this: we live in a comfy-sized apartment (just the right size for those of us who live here) and we have a relative (my momma's close relative) who lives very nearby and who has a big ole house.

so why she gotta stay with us?! my daughter is dreading the invasion (my momma will be camping in her room); my husband is keeping his thoughts to himself 'bout the whole thing. i'm contemplating the merits of a zoloft refill versus buying a muzzle and/or a set of ear plugs.

which brings me to another thought. i do NOT want my hubby to throw this mess up in my face later as in "your momma stayed here so why can't mine?"

under no circumstances can his momma (or any of his other immediate family members) stay overnight in here. but that is a rant for another day.

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