Sunday, November 23, 2014
Two recent family deaths.
Reminders that I need to enjoy every day as much as possible.
Reminders that some things on my to-do list have rolled over to the next day's list too many times. A few of them are things I want to do before I return to the dust.
With those thoughts in mind, next year my daughter and I will tour Europe. Definitely France and Italy. The UK may be on the list as well because a branch of our family tree hails from Scotland.
Likely a stop in Switzerland because it borders France and Italy, so why not.
Weather will dictate time of year. I prefer warm weather and sunshine. So does she.
This will be one of a few vacations where beach time is not a priority. :)
We'll focus on food, fun, meeting new friends along the way.
There will be lots of walking, train rides, sleeping in hostels and pensions.
Research has been ongoing for a few years. (Thanks Joseph Rosendo and Rick Steves!)
Something wonderful to look forward to.
Dreams from last week...
Earlier in the week, I dreamed I was home, in the apartment building I grew up in.
I was spraying air freshener in the hallway.
Then I got the notion to freshen the air in the laundry room.
As I descended the stairs, I passed several people who were heading up.
Closer to the laundry room, I passed a couple. We exchanged pleasantries.
I entered the laundry room, can of spray ready.
To my surprise, the laundry room was occupied by an unexpected... guest.
It was a white monkey, a gibbon.
I stood transfixed as I watched it walk across the room and hang something wet across a wooden clothes drying rack.
When I began to spray the air, it gave me a look and began screeching, as if I'd interrupted something important.
Then it scurried out of the room through a sort of hidden doorway.
I headed back upstairs and came across the couple I'd seen earlier.
When I asked them if they knew about the monkey, they laughed. The woman told me there was a Volkswagen parked in on of the laundry rooms in a building down the street.
A morning later in the week:
Upon waking, I remembered fragments of at least three separate dreams.
Upon waking, I remembered fragments of at least three separate dreams.
I was outside with a woman. We were standing near an old fashioned train depot. Ahead of us, we saw a woman wearing a short skirt, a short rabbit fur jacket, and knee high boots.
When the woman ahead of us turned to face us, I saw it was my good friend W. She was smiling, as she usually is in waking life. She looked happy and beautiful. I was very happy to see her.
Baby Bliss and I were on some kind of weird safari. There was no car, just she and I, and a mostly invisible guide.
We were running from a lion. Terrified, I was leading the way. Baby Bliss, wielding a sword, brought up the rear.
Glancing over my shoulder in fear, I saw the lion gaining on us. I thought we were going to be attacked. Then I noticed the animals running with us.
With several precise movements, Baby Bliss chopped up a few of the running animals.
We continued to run. The lion stopped, presumably to snack on the newly dead. I didn't look back.
The scene shifted.
Baby Bliss and I were in a large room in an aerie that was screened in on all sides.
She exited the room, I saw the lion coming. Somehow he got into the room.
I was in a room at someone's house with Mr. Bliss' mama. I think we were out of town. She was crying. I was struggling not to. It seemed we had just heard that Mr. Bliss died.
She wanted to head back home (my hometown, where she still lives) so I agreed to take her.
My driving skill was off. I had trouble staying on my side of the two-lane road. Finally I drove us down the basement stairs of a church, into their party room.
Outside in the garden, there was an event happening. A dinner of some sort, for a local charity or something similar.
I walked over to a young lady in a motorized chair and asked her is she knew someone. (Don't remember who.) The young lady said no, she didn't.
There was lots of food. I knew we had to leave but seeing all the food made me hungry.
I don't remember the rest of it.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
A couple of weeks ago I reached out to a guy I previously dated, to feel him out for what I thought might be a mutually agreeable relationship.
Not dating because we've done that already and it didn't work for us.
He and I had usually enjoyed good conversations in the past and I missed talking to him, wondered how he was doing.
We've hung out in the past few weeks.
One day he brought up marriage during a conversation, as in asking me to marry him.
I thought he was joking, because he knew as well as I did the pitfalls we'd encountered while dating. Although we were strongly attracted to each other in many ways, our ideas about how to sustain a healthy romantic relationship weren't in alignment.
In subsequent conversations, he brought up marriage again and again. A few times I laughed and changed the subject or joked with him about it. Then I realized he might not be joking and I became uncomfortable.
I also realized that something my mama said once about exes was true in this case: you can't be friends with them.
I'm not sure if she meant me specifically or just folk in general.
Sometimes we can be friends with exes but maybe I should have known better with him.
Any way, last night he and I made plans to hang out tonight.
Something felt off when I woke up this morning and today I decided I needed to stop this train before it wrecked.
It was done by text. Which might sound rude but he initiated the conversation (in text) when I called him so I assumed he was busy and unable to talk.
Initially I thought about having a face-to-face with him about his matrimonial intentions, gently remind him of why we would not be eloping in this lifetime, and discuss the possibilities of continuing a genuine friendship based on our shared interests.
However, he's not the type for those kinds of interactions. He thinks it's "drama", one of the opinions we differ on. So I let it play out in text because I knew it had to be done today.
I believe what allowed my eyes and heart to understand how I could be committing a grievous faux pas, was something I brought back from a spiritual gathering I went to earlier this week.
What God reminded of during the opening meditation (and has time-released into my brain over the past few days by way of all manner of reminders -- dreams, online posts, reading daily inspirations, my horoscopes, etc.) is that it doesn't serve me well to go back to the past for someone or some thing that I've already experienced as not suitable for me.
Or the flip side: Do so at my own peril.
If I expect to move forward into that which will work well for me, why delay my journey by going back for something I "dropped" that I said I didn't want any way?
Was I subconsciously attempting to rekindle a flame that was nothing but ashes? Was part of me hoping he'd changed in ways that would allow us to go where I wanted us to go, back when he was the man who made me blush?
Or was I just hoping to retreat into something comfortable in its familiarity albeit potentially unhealthy for both parties?
Part of me feels that we should return to the past sometimes, if only to be reminded of why we couldn't wait to make our escape into now, the future.
Perhaps it should only be a metaphorical return, a written re-hashing of events; a cautionary tale shared with our junior sisters and brothers who contemplate going back to the ex after nights of drunken revelry at neighborhood pubs.
Which brings me to questions:
1. As we journey along our paths, should we take time to explore the things that catch our eye on the sidelines? How often? Or should we only partake of what is directly in our paths?
2. Do some things have expiration dates? Like, if I take two months (instead of two weeks) to enjoy a beach vacation, will I miss out on Something Else I desired? Or will that Something Else return to my orbit at some point in time, like Halley's Comet? (Mr. Bliss did...)
3. Do we get bonus points for do-good/feel-good stuff like volunteering for charities, paying it forward, etc.?
4. If we do get bonus points, do they move us toward our "goals" (also known as "wishes", "hopes", "dreams", "aspirations", etc.) any faster or nah?
5. Does it really matter?
Not that I lose sleep over these questions but they do boggle my mind on occasion...
One topic we discussed in our meeting the other night was making life choices based on what is good and right.
We are all co-creators of the collective consciousness. I know my choices create ripples that eventually find their way back to me. I've seen it in my life too many times to count.
I guess the real question is "Can you handle it?"
Meaning what ever I do (or don't), am I willing to deal with the consequences, no matter what they are?
If the answer is no, I need to re-think it.
I must, if I want my life to move forward with sincerity.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Reminders brought to the forefront in the past several days:
- Maturity is... subjective. As is humor.
- False familiarity can never be a substitute for the real thing.
- Finding a suitable long-term companion can be comparable to finding a good contractor for a property re-model.
For all the differences Mr. Bliss and I had, we meshed very well. Except when we didn't. But we managed to work things out because as corny as it sounds, our connection was magical.
I'm not sure if the magic gave us the power to make it work or if we created the power to work it out because of the magic.
Before Mr. Bliss, I dated a lot. Some guys got one date. Some got several. There were a few long-term relationships, a few engagements, and even a few marriages.
Of course each man had something about him that attracted me. Some had several traits I found endearing. A few had that somethin' somethin' that got me to the altar.
Mr. Bliss was the Total Package.
The Magic was evident from the moment we met.
I had been at work for about an hour. It was turning out to be a bad night and I'd decided to leave. Heading to change back into my street clothes, I walked past Mr. Bliss. He called out to me. Before I turned to see his face, I was more than annoyed at the perceived delay. But I had a reputation for being the "nicest girl" in the place, so I stopped.
I turned to look at him and I was smitten.
His smile was beautiful, genuine, and open. He was also handsome. Nicely dressed too.
We had two casual dates soon after but he was kinda slow at making his intentions known and I began dating someone else. The next year I got pregnant, married, and moved almost 3,000 miles away.
Two years later, I left that husband and moved back to my hometown with my daughter.
In a seemingly random event, almost three years to the day we'd first met, Mr. Bliss and I crossed paths at a mall. From there, we slowly began the pas de deux that would become our shared life.
Our relationship was multi-faceted in ways I'd never experienced. It was fun and exciting, challenging and frustrating, loving and nurturing.
God had sent me the man who would help me realize who I was born to be.
Looking back from today, I know that my life with him was an adventure, an eye-opening education.
Every minute we shared was worth everything we gave to make it what it was: an amazing life of love, in every way we could express it to each other.
With eternal gratitude, I wish my darling a peaceful rest, until we meet again and resume our story in whatever realm he now resides in.
In the mean time, life continues to move forward. Sometimes slowly.
I'm continuing to move with the flow.
Sometimes the flow moves me to make the acquaintance of a man who piques my interest(s), maybe plucks a heart string or two.
True to my nature, it might be for a few hours, a few days, a few months. It all depends.
In spite of all things feeling personal when it comes to romance, dating, and possible courtship, I daily remind myself not to take things personally.
We are all dealing with our own issues, what ever they are. The way we deal with people is generally a reflection of who we are, not who we (think) they are.
Mr. Bliss let me be who I was and I blossomed. I know that I, too, must be willing to give this allowance if I am to share an authentic life with He Who Waits to Meet Me.
What I affirm:
- There exists a man somewhere in the world who loves enough to accept me as I am but will always encourage me to be my best. I love enough to do the same with him.
- He and I love enough to work out the details because we both understand what it takes to sustain a love that makes our hearts sing.
- When we are ready, we shall meet in the field "beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing", and all will be well.