Saturday, March 25, 2017

721.

Hello folks.

It's me.

I was wondering if any of you were wondering where I am and how I'm doing.

Yes?

Me too.

Some of you may already know that March is an emotionally difficult time for me.

It's the month Mr. Bliss went into hospital, then hospice; on the last day of the month, he took his final breath and traveled to the other side with my uncle.

Why do I say "with my uncle", you ask?

It's because one day when he was in hospital, we were having a conversation and he began talking about a man he'd been seeing.

When I questioned him (who, when, where), he said my uncle's name. My uncle, one of my father's many brothers, has been dead for many many years and Mr. Bliss had never met him. Perhaps he had heard me talk about my uncle but I can't be sure.

I don't recall talking about my uncle much at all. In fact, he might have died before I met Mr. Bliss.

Regardless, I was shocked when my husband called my uncle's name. I think that's when I really believed Mr. Bliss was dying.

He told me some things about my uncle that I later called to ask my dad about. Eerie when it was all true.

So now I believe my uncle was the person (or maybe one of the people) who came to help Mr. Bliss with his transition.

My dad and I have talked about this occasionally over the past several years.

I don't like to be sad and weepy as much as I have been over the past couple of weeks. But it's like the events leading up to Mr. Bliss's death have embedded themselves in my psyche and every March 1, they begin to slowly spill forth.

This year is year five.

In previous years I've sometimes felt like I've actually relived the events, day by day. This year I'm just sad and weepy. Everything remotely sad that comes into my awareness makes me cry.

There are a lot of things I don't want to see on telly, some songs I don't want to listen to on the radio, some things I don't want to see on social media...

But I remain thankful for my resilience. I cry then move on to the next thing. When I'm overwhelmed with sadness, I cry again. And again, I move to the next thing after.

Although I love and miss him as much as I ever have, I don't feel as bad as I has been in previous years.

For that, I'm thankful as well.

Today is March 25. Six more days to go.

I'll make it.

Amen.




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