Written in my journal today:
mar 25
12:13 pm
i've never feared death because as long as i remember, i've felt like death is part of life.
but i've always feared having a painful death. i've always feared suffering. and i was brought face to face with suffering in a way i could not have imagined, as i watched my husband dying this time last year.
so i've seen it first hand, in all its nastiness. it only reinforced my feelings that i don't want to die a slow lingering death.
every day we live brings us closer to death. we think it's a slow progression but for those of us who will die in accidents and such, we really don't know how much time we have left.
how much time we have left to enjoy our families, our friends, the sunshine, the rain, laughter, our favorite foods, our favorite activities, to tick off the items on our personal bucket lists...
we make plans and to-do lists, thinking we have more time than we do.
we put off the fun things because we have serious stuff that needs to be done.
we don't take time to enjoy the delightful song of a robin or a blue jay or a sparrow because we have to eat a rushed lunch at our desks in order to get out a report that's already overdue.
we miss out on so many beautiful things because we believe the mundane and stressful and necessary should take precedence.
i have done and continue to do these things and more.
but the closer it gets to one year since Mr. Bliss's departure, the more i re-evaluate my life.
it's still not as simple as i'd like (taxes, taxes, taxes!) but it's getting there.
recently i keep finding myself in the mood to purge: outdated documents, clothing, books (yes, books), and other stuff. (not my paper or pens. i'm not there yet. maybe i'll never get there.)
still, i'm tired of looking at things that don't have a place in my life any more.
and i feel the need to finish the book i started for my daughter. it's to help her live life without mommy.
not that i plan to go anywhere any time soon.
but we don't know when, do we?
and if i keep WAITING for the right time to finish it, one day the time will be up because i won't be here.
.
mar 25
12:13 pm
i've never feared death because as long as i remember, i've felt like death is part of life.
but i've always feared having a painful death. i've always feared suffering. and i was brought face to face with suffering in a way i could not have imagined, as i watched my husband dying this time last year.
so i've seen it first hand, in all its nastiness. it only reinforced my feelings that i don't want to die a slow lingering death.
every day we live brings us closer to death. we think it's a slow progression but for those of us who will die in accidents and such, we really don't know how much time we have left.
how much time we have left to enjoy our families, our friends, the sunshine, the rain, laughter, our favorite foods, our favorite activities, to tick off the items on our personal bucket lists...
we make plans and to-do lists, thinking we have more time than we do.
we put off the fun things because we have serious stuff that needs to be done.
we don't take time to enjoy the delightful song of a robin or a blue jay or a sparrow because we have to eat a rushed lunch at our desks in order to get out a report that's already overdue.
we miss out on so many beautiful things because we believe the mundane and stressful and necessary should take precedence.
i have done and continue to do these things and more.
but the closer it gets to one year since Mr. Bliss's departure, the more i re-evaluate my life.
it's still not as simple as i'd like (taxes, taxes, taxes!) but it's getting there.
recently i keep finding myself in the mood to purge: outdated documents, clothing, books (yes, books), and other stuff. (not my paper or pens. i'm not there yet. maybe i'll never get there.)
still, i'm tired of looking at things that don't have a place in my life any more.
and i feel the need to finish the book i started for my daughter. it's to help her live life without mommy.
not that i plan to go anywhere any time soon.
but we don't know when, do we?
and if i keep WAITING for the right time to finish it, one day the time will be up because i won't be here.
.
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